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Employee of the Month/Script
is arranging sticks in a jar at his workplace. He finishes up. Jude: "Sheer perfection in a stick jar. In Japan, I'd be elected president." Jonesy: a clipboard "I'm impressed!" writes something down. Jude: "Dude, you're freaking me out with the clipboard. I feel like I'm in school or something." Jonesy: "I'm a secret shopper. Check it out: I go to stores and pretend to shop, then I rate their service." Jude: "How can it be a secret if you just told me?" Jonesy: "That's the best part. You let it slip that you're the secret shopper, and everyone's so into getting a good rating, they just start giving you stuff!" gestures to a shopping cart full of stuff. "For free!" Jude: "Nice!" Jonesy: "So, what's the special today?" Jude: "Noodles on a stick." Jonesy: "It sure looks good." Jude: "Darn right, made it myself." Jonesy: "A bunch of free noodles would probably be really delicious, huh?" Jude: "Yeah, a whole bunch of delicious." silence descends on the store. Jonesy waits for Jude to get it. Finally, he sighs. Jonesy: "Jude, give me a free box, and I'll give you a high rating." Jude: "Oh. Yeah! Right!" ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''Employee of the Month' ---- '''Kristen:' customers "Have a Khaki day!" comes up to the counter with a pile of clothes and dumps them there. Chrissy: "Can you run these returns through?" Nikki: her "In a minute." Chrissy: "Excuse me? You're not even doing anything!" Nikki: a sigh "Fine." works as slowly as possible. Chrissy: "I need them done before Christmas?" Nikki: "I think that might be possible." Chrissy: "You know what, Nikki?" Nikki: irritated "What, Chrissy?" Chrissy: her thumb and index finger close together "You are about this close to being so fired." Nikki: her thumb and finger even closer together "Tell me when I'm this close, and I'll call a cab." growls and storms off. Nikki: cheerful "Seeya." runs into the clipboarded Jonesy. Jonesy: "Are you the manager here?" Chrissy: "Yes. Can I help you?" Jonesy: "I really shouldn't tell you this, but...I'm a secret shopper, hired by the mall's Head Office. To do an evaluation report on customer service." Chrissy: nervously "Oh! So is there anything I can do to help the evaluation go smoothly?" Jonesy: "Now that you mention it, I do kind of like your current line of cargo pants." looks at the wall and then back at Jonesy. Jonesy raises his eyebrows at her, and Chrissy runs to get them for him. She shows him five types. Chrissy: "They come in five shades of tan." surreptitiously "Give me a good recommendation, and I'll give you the boyfriends-only discount." Jonesy: "Really. Nice. Here's a tip: Khaki Barn Head Office is considering you as Manager of the Year." Chrissy: "No way!" Jonesy: "Yes way. In fact, they said if it weren't for one of your salespeople, lagging behind, every month–" whispering "You'd be a shoo-in." Chrissy: "You know, just when you think you've made it to the top, someone drags you down. Tell Head Office to consider her fired." Jonesy: "Well, you gotta do what you gotta do, right? I'll try these on now." Chrissy: "Change rooms are over there." Jonesy: "Sweet." Chrissy: sweetly "Oh Nikki!" Jonesy: something "Wait. Did you just say you were gonna fire someone?" Chrissy: "Oh yeah. Nikki's a total pain in my butt. I cannot wait to fire her." Jonesy: shaken "Y-yeah, but–as manager, you, uh, think-think you could show more superior management skills–by-uh-uh-I don't know, uh, training her?" Chrissy: "Her sales were -5% last month." Jonesy: "The downtown location hasn't fired an employee in fifteen years! I-is that how you want to be known? As the manager who fires people?" Chrissy: "You don't understand. She's like a bratty little kid. I can't bring her into line!" Jonesy: "Yeah, but if you could, imagine the respect you'd get upstairs." Chrissy: it "Oh I'd be such a hero." grins evilly. Jonesy: "I could give you some ideas if you want. I'll be in the change room." Nikki: the other way "I'll be in the can." glares and growls at Nikki before running to the changing rooms. Chrissy: "Okay tell me what to do to make Manager of the Year!" Jonesy: "You said Nikki's like a kid? Maybe a little reverse psychology would work." Chrissy: evilly "Not a bad idea. Thanks." walks away, formulating a plan. Jonesy: the dressing room with the pants "I'm such a good friend." ---- is talking to Jude at his job. Jonesy: "So, who's your employer?" Jude: shrugging "I got interviewed by the dude who used to do my job–wait. How will they know what a good job I'm doing if they don't know who I am?" Jonesy: "Who cares?" Jude: "I do! I've never done a good job at school, or cleaning my room–I want someone to know." Jonesy: "All I have for the Stick It is a telephone number." gives it to Jude. "See you later. Soft and Lacy is about to have a Christmas sale for a certain secret shopper." Jude: at the number "And so the quest for my real boss begins. I will find him. Or her." ---- the Khaki Barn, Kirsten is helping out a pre-teen girl. Kirsten: "That sweater is so perfect on you. I see a lot of girls come in here, and you are definitely one of them." Nikki: annoyed "It's always like this at the end of the month." Wyatt: "Why?" Nikki: "Chrissy picks Employee of the Month and they all scream and congratulate each other." Wyatt: "Wow, that's really sad." Kristen: "You rocked that sale!" Kirsten: "It's like taking candy from a baby." Kristen: "Who loves Khaki Barn?" Kirsten: "We love Khaki Barn!" Kristen and Kirsten: hip-bumping "Who! Who! Who!" Nikki: interrupting "That girl looks horrible in that sweater! You're sending her out into the world begging to be humiliated!" girl hears Nikki's remarks and begins to softly cry. Kirsten: "Look what you've done. You're just jealous of my superior retailing ability." Kristen: "Yeah, you'll never make Employee of the Month." Nikki: "I'd rather pull a watermelon out of my nose." laughs silently. Wyatt: "I'm going for more coffee." Nikki: "Later." returns to her magazine. Chrissy peeps out from behind a corner. Chrissy: "Ah, reverse psychology. Of course." ---- while later, Nikki is still reading her magazine. Kristen and Kirsten are arguing over who will win. Kristen: "I just know Chrissy's going to pick me this month." Kirsten: "As if! I am so the next EotM." Kristen: "I am buying you an alarm clock, 'cause you're soooooo dreaming! I am so much perkier than you." Kirsten: "Uh! As if!" shoves Kristen, and this soon escalates into a shoving match. Nikki: them "Why don't you two get a life?" fight instantly subsides. Kristen: "Employee of the Month is a big honor." Kirsten: "Not like you need to worry." comes back. Wyatt: "What'd I miss?" Nikki: "Nothing important. C'mon." leads Wyatt off. Chrissy steps out. Chrissy: "I'm proud to announce that our newest Employee of the Month is..." Kristen and Kirsten: "Eeee!" Chrissy: "Nikki!" and Wyatt stop in their tracks. Wyatt lets out a muffled, surprised noise. Kristen and Kirsten: shocked "Who?" Nikki: "Me?" startled look crosses her face. Just then, the camera goes off, commemorating the moment. Shortly thereafter, her face is plastered across the store. Kirsten: "NOOOOOOO!!!" Kristen: around "Why?" Kirsten: "How?" Chrissy: "Congratulations, Nikki. I know you'll make us all proud." Wyatt: laughing "Can't wait to tell everybody!" Nikki: him "You tell anyone, and I will rip every appendage from your skinny little body one by one." Wyatt: hushed "Got it." runs out of the store. Nikki is about to go back to work, but Chrissy stops her. Chrissy: "Why don't you take a break? You've earned it." Nikki: "Uh-huh." walks off. Chrissy: sinisterly "By the end of the week, she'll be one of us." ---- gang minus Nikki is gathered around the table. Wyatt: "You should've seen Nikki's face." Jonesy: "I would've paid big bucks, man." imitates the face, and everyone laughs. After a few seconds, he breaks it and laughs along. Nikki comes up behind him. Jonesy signals to Wyatt to stop laughing, but Wyatt continues. Wyatt: subsiding "She's right behind me, isn't she?" Nikki: a seat "My credibility as a human being has been destroyed. People will think I actually like the Khaki Barn." Jude: "I've never been Employee of the Month." Wyatt: "It might have been your Soup on a Stick promotion." Jude: "Whatever." up "Gotta get back there in case my boss calls." leaving "Later." Nikki: "Excuse me! I'm having a crisis here." Caitlin: "Why all the drama, Nikki? It just shows they have faith in you." Nikki: "That's the point! Khaki Barn stands for everything I loathe!" Jen: "Well I'd love to be Employee of the Month. I've been killing myself for this secret shopper that's supposed to be making the rounds." Caitlin: excited "You mean like a shopping spy? Who gets paid? To shop?" Jen: "Just keep an eye out. It could be anyone." Jonesy: "I'm sure you'll have nothing to worry about." Jen: "Tell that to Coach Halder. Later." leaves. Caitlin: fuming "Why didn't they ask me to be the secret shopper? I'd be so good at that!" Nikki: leaving "Don't know, don't care. I gotta go back to work." Wyatt: "Me too. See you after work, Khaki Queen." throws a chair at him. "Good one." ---- enters the Khaki Barn. Nikki: "Huh?" photo is plastered in front of the store logo. As she passes her co-workers, they glare at her. Nikki: "What?" comes up to Chrissy to voice her complaints. Nikki: "They're freaking me out, Chrissy." Chrissy: "You get used to it. People don't always know how to deal with strong women like us." Nikki: "Like us? We have nothing in common." Chrissy: "See, that's where you're wrong. When I was your age, no one wanted to believe in me, either." Nikki: "You're only two years older than me." Chrissy: "Responsibility can change ya pretty fast. Suddenly people are like, depending on you. And the weird thing is, you start to like it. Later!" stares after her and absentmindedly picks up a T-shirt. When she looks down, she sees it has been perfectly folded. She gasps and tosses the shirt away. A customer comes up behind her with some pants. Customer: "Excuse me, if you're not to busy, I'd love your opinion on these." Nikki: "Seriously? They're the ugliest things I've ever seen. Try the Buttlifter jeans; they're ugly too, but at least they're on sale." Customer: "Thanks. I-I'm sure you're right." Nikki: "Really? Why?" Customer: "You're Employee of the Month." toddles off. Nikki: "Huh?" over to Kristen and Kirsten "Uh hey pod-girls, do people always buy what you tell them to just because your picture's up on the wall?" Kristen: exasperated "Yes." Kirsten: "I just don't get it! Why her?" ---- has just finished up at Spin This. Jonesy: "Thanks for the demo CDs." the air "I smell a great employee evaluation." leaves. Wyatt: "Nikki's Employee of the Month, and Jonesy is rating our work? The end must be near." ---- is working hard at the Penalty Box, spurred on by the coach's constant cries of "Masterson." Coach Halder: "Masterson! Masterson!" arrives with his shopping cart. Jonesy: "Excuse me, miss–" Jen: "Jonesy, can't you see I'm busy?" Jonesy: "Could I get some service here?" Jen: "Give me a break. I don't have time for your games today. This secret shopper could be anyone." Jonesy: "It could be anyone, but it's not. It's me!" Jen: laughing "You? Yeah right." Jonesy: "No really! It's me! So just give me a deal on a sweatshirt, and I'll make sure you get a good report." Jen: "Look. I'm covering two shifts, it's a stock day, and I have to be on my best behavior because of this stupid secret shopper!" Jonesy: "Yeah, but–" Jen: "I've got enough to do without you coming in with your 'Miss! Miss, pay attention to me! Because I'm Jonesy, and I always have to be the center of attention!'" Jonesy: "I'm not kidding! I've-I've got a clipboard and everything!" Jen: "Don't make me hurt you! Because I will. And there's a lot of things to hurt you with around here! Ski poles, hockey sticks, baseball bats–I think I could even get creative with a golf ball washer!" Coach Halder: "Masterson! Is that any way to treat a customer, hmm?" Jen: "Oh, uh–he's not really a customer, Coach. He's–" Coach Halder: "Anyone who comes through that door is a customer. And we treat our customers like Hall of Famers." is silenced. To Jonesy "I'm sorry about the behavior of my team, sir. Can I help you?" Jonesy: by Jen "No, thanks. I was just browsing." Coach Halder: Jen "What's gotten into you? You're my first-string quarterback, but you fumbled that one out of the park." Jen: "But he–uh–nevermind." Coach Halder: "Now I'm leaving you here to call the plays for a while. I've got a hot date tonight with the filly who runs the Scotch-Tape Emporium. I need some slick new slacks. Now get out there and sell! Break!" Jen: "Yes, Coach!" Halder leaves. Jen sighs. ---- the Khaki Barn, Nikki is helping a female customer. Jacket Girl: "Is it too tight on me?" Nikki: "Um–I–eh–no. It actually looks pretty good!" Jacket Girl: "Mmm-hmm. Fine. I'll take it. What would look good with these pants?" Nikki: "This baby tee kinda matches. They're both blue." Jacket Girl: "Oh! You're right. I'll take two." takes her purchases to the counter. Chrissy: "Was anybody helping you today?" Jacket Girl: at the Employee of the Month poster "That girl behind you. She has great fashion sense." Chrissy: "Oh, Nikki! She's one of my best customer fashion consultants." looks over at Chrissy. Chrissy smiles back. Chrissy: the customer's purchases "Thanks for shopping here!" Nikki: waving "Have a Khaki Day!" looks at her hand in shock and fear. Chrissy comes over. Chrissy: "That was so very! I think you're finally ready, Nikki." pushes Nikki forward. Nikki: "What's going on? I thought you hated me." Chrissy: "On a personal level? Yes. But your sales are up 117% since yesterday." Nikki: "They are? Wow. No wonder you wanted to fire me." Chrissy: "Being Employee of the Month isn't exactly on your list of things to accomplish in life, is it?" Kristen: after them "It's on mine! It's number 2!" Chrissy: "There's like, a lot of opportunity here for a girl like you, you know. You just need a little guidance. You have the ability to give people the gift of style. Give it a think." punches a code into a keypad. "And while you're doing that, relax in the elite Employee of the Month lounge." Nikki: "O-kay." enters the lounge. Chrissy shuts the door behind her. The lounge she has entered is a spotless white expanse, incredibly minimalist in nature. A tray of perfumes slides out, and she sniffs one before entering the bathroom. A toilet appears. Nikki: impressed "Whoa." unzips her pants and takes a seat. Computer: "Welcome! Make yourself comfortable. You are among the chosen. The elite members of the Khaki Barn family. The Khaki Barn! It's all about you." Nikki: softly "Okay." Computer: "We're making the world a more uniformly stylish place, one pair of pants at a time. At the Khaki Barn, we believe individuality is highly overrated." laser begins to scan her. "Facial jewelry does not comply with our wardrobe policy. Please remove any piercings now." complies. ---- Jude: someone "Whoa. Hello? Hello? Anybody there? Man, that's spooky." ---- the lemon, Jude is explaining his troubles to Caitlin. Jude: "Every time I dial the number, it rings, and then I get the call waiting beep, but nobody's there. Weird, huh?" Caitlin: distracted "Yeah. Hey Jen, did the lemon juice eat away at your nail polish too?" Jen: yawning "Tired." Caitlin: "I'm like Wolverine's girlfriend. Actually, Hugh Jackman's really hot so, that wouldn't be so bad. Jen, you look totally wiped." Jen: "This secret shopper thing is driving me crazy! And then Jonesy comes in pretending to be him so he can scam free stuff!" Wyatt: "I hate to break it to you, Jen, but Jonesy is the secret shopper." Jen: "What?" Caitlin: "No way! Him? I'm such a better shopper than he is!" arrives. Jonesy: "What's shaking, amigos?" Jen: him "Jonesy! My best friend in the world! C'mon!" hugs him and leads him off. Jonesy: confused "Okay?" Jen: "I hear you're doing a really good job as the secret shopper." Caitlin: "I still can't believe they let him do my–" gasps. Nikki has arrived, and looks like a clone. Nikki: "Hey guys." Jude: "WHAT THE–" Wyatt: "Nikki, are you alright?" Nikki: "Yeah. Actually, I had a really cool experience today. I sold this woman an entire outfit, and she was like, so happy. And it's all because of that Employee of the Month award." Caitlin: "Well, you look really cute. I love your baby tee." Nikki: "And it comes in four different shades of pink! Khaki Barn, it's all about you." watch beeps. "Oops, gotta run. I just came by to tell you there's a Blend-Into-the-Crowd sale this afternoon, only at the barn. See you there!" leaves. The three remaining stare after her, shocked. Wyatt: "I think the Khaki Barn is finally starting to get to her. We've got to do something! C'mon!" ---- Kristen: customers "Welcome to the Khaki Barn!" approaches the sales counter. Nikki: "Hi guys!" Kirsten: "Why are you the Employee of the Month?" Kristen: "It should have been me!" Kirsten: "As if!" begin to fight. Coach Halder comes up and taps Nikki on the shoulder. Coach Halder: "You're the Employee of the Month." Nikki: "That's me. Go Khaki, or go home." Coach Halder: "All right. I need to score a touchdown with a first-stringer, and I need the correct uniform." Nikki: "Uh, translation, please?" Coach Halder: "I've got a date and I need to look good. Can you help me?" Nikki: "There is no butt that our Average Joe chinos won't fit. Come on." walks over to a rack and grabs a pair of pants, revealing Jude, Wyatt, and Caitlin hiding behind the pants. She doesn't notice them, however, and brings the pants to Coach Halder. Caitlin: "Are you sure that's Nikki?" Wyatt: "They've definitely messed with her head. Nikki hasn't been that nice since she was three!" Jude: "Maybe they brainwashed her." Coach Halder: at a pants-and-shirt combo "I'll be spiking the ball in the end zone with this little ensemble!" Nikki: "They are so totally you! Let me know how they fit." heads to the changing rooms while Nikki slips into the Employee of the Month lounge. Wyatt: whispering "Now's our chance. Move in!" three slip through the door just before it shuts. Inside, Nikki is applying lipstick. Wyatt: "Psst!" Nikki: around "Hey. What are you guys doing here?" Wyatt: "Okay, don't freak out, but we think you've been brainwashed by the Khaki Barn to become a clone." ducks, but no thrown implements are incoming. He looks up. Nikki: "Is that what this is about? You're so silly. I'm totally fine." Wyatt: her face to the mirror "Look at what they've done to you!" Caitlin: "You're wearing pink! And butterfly clips! Pink butterfly clips, Nikki!" Jude: "I don't even know you anymore, dude! You're hideous!" turns back to the mirror to apply her lipstick. Wyatt: "Now hold on, Nikki. Don't do anything you'll regret." Jude: "Calmly step away from the lip gloss." Caitlin: Jude "Let me try." walks over to Nikki, smiles gently, and then slaps her repeatedly. "Get ahold of yourself, girl! You're turning into one of them! And okay, it's fun to have you be nice to me, but you're totally freaking me out!" looks in the mirror, for the first time truly lucid. Nikki: a breakdown "What. Have. They. Done to me?!? I am hideous. I look–I look–like you!" Caitlin: "Now that's the Nikki we love." ---- is lounging on a hammock while Jen brings him various products. Jen: "Now these are the latest. They inflate, and they're also an MP3 player. 50% off then, just for you?" Jonesy: "It'll take a lot to change my mind about your earlier evaluation. I'm a man of principles, you know." Jen: "Free, then?" Jonesy: his cart "Put them with the rest." tosses them in. Jen: "Want to try this new tennis racket? It's from the John McEnroe line. Bang it on the ground, and it–" hits it against the floor. Racket: "Oh, what are you, blind?!?" Jonesy: "Can I have it for free?" Jen: "It's worth a hundred and fifty!" Jonesy: "Hmm." Jen: "Okay. Free. Sure. I'll just take it out of my next ten paychecks." tosses it into the cart. Racket: "Since when do they let morons become umpires, moron!?!?!" Jonesy: "I heard about some thermal underwear that massage your butt while you ski?" Jen: broken "Right away." ---- is still looking in the mirror, amazed at what she's become. She undoes her hair from its ponytail. Nikki: "I don't know what would've happened to me if it weren't for you guys." Caitlin: "You'd have done the same for us." Jude: "Man, I'm just glad I don't have a boss like yours. That I know of." Nikki: "I've never been a good influence before, and I'm not about to start now." ---- is letting Kristen and Kirsten in on her plan. Kirsten: "So it was all like a trick to get her to behave like a true Khaki fashion consultant?" Kristen: "I knew it couldn't be true!" Kirsten: "I have to say, it's been so much more pleasant to be around her." exits the lounge, hair down and piercings in. Kristen and Kirsten gasp and hug each other. Chrissy gasps in shock. Nikki comes up to her manager, friends in tow. Nikki: cheery "Uh, you almost had me there, Chrissy. Yeah, you sure did." sinister "But nobody, nobody comes between me and my nose jewelry." Caitlin: "Humph. Nice try." a nice shirt "Ooh. That's cute. Do you have that in a six?" Nikki: "Uh, kinda stepping on the moment here, Caitlin!" Caitlin: "Sorry." wheels into the Khaki Barn again. Jonesy: "Yo sales chick, I need some service over here if you don't mind." Nikki: him "Bite me. I'm going on my break." Jonesy: "Hmm. Bad attitude, terrible customer service from the staff..." writes something down. "Looks like I'm going to have to give your store an average performance review after all." Chrissy: after Nikki "Ugh! You just made me lose manager of the year, you–you un-Khaki loser!" Jonesy "I tried to reform her, but my training didn't stick!" Nikki: "What!" looks back. "Reform her?" grabs the clipboard from Jonesy. Jonesy: "Gimme that!" Nikki: "You're the reason I got stuck with Employee of the Month? I'm taking the rest of the day off." Chrissy: "Fine!" Jonesy: Nikki "C'mon, Nikki, give it back!" Chrissy: "And you can forget about using the elite bathrooms!" Kristen: "Does this mean that EotM is up for grabs?" Kirsten: "Yes, and she's picking me." Kristen: "Uh, only in your dreams." Kirsten: "In your dreams too, 'cause even in your dreams, she'll pick me." Kristen: "Get out of my dreams!" two begin to fight once again. Chrissy slaps her forehead. Kirsten: "Let go of my hair!" Caitlin: the shirt down "I'll come back another time." three leave. Kirsten: "Get off my baby tee!" ---- but Jen is at the table. Jude: "Caitlin, a glass of your finest lemon slush, please?" gets to work. "What's the dealio, Jonesy?" Jonesy: sad "Nikki rewrote all my reports. When they saw her A-plus, they knew I was lying." Wyatt: "It's called karma, man. Your yin just bit your yang in the butt." Jonesy: "Yeah, well my yin just blew the best job I ever had." Nikki: relaxing "Yep, all in a day's work." Jen: sweetly "Jonesy." Jonesy: her, nervous "Hey, Jen, how's it going?" Jen: "Now that you've lost your secret shopper job, I thought you, me, and John could have a little chat." Jonesy: "John?" who has been hiding the racket behind her back the whole time, brings it out and swats it on the table. Racket: "You want some of this?!?" Jonesy: away "Uh–now wait, Jen, let's talk this out–AAAH!" chases him. Racket: contact "Are you nuts? What are you, blind!?! AAH! Moron!!!" ---- is rubbing his butt at the Stick It. Jude: theorizing "Maybe my boss just doesn't want to be found. He could be a hermit." Jonesy: "If you ask me, dude, you just won the lottery. Bosses are a pain in the butt." dials again. The phone at Stick It rings. Jude gasps and then picks up. Jude: "Stick It. Hold, please." his cell "Oh hello. I'm looking for the boss of Stick It." voice comes out of the store phone. Talking into it "Hello?" the cell "Hello? Hellooo?" stops and looks at Jonesy. "If I'm correct, this could only mean–" Jonesy: "You're the boss of Stick It!" Jude: "Dude!" Jonesy: "Jude!" fists with Jude "And may I say you're doing an excellent job? Top marks." Jude: "Yeah, I'm a good kid. So, as my own boss, I guess I get to give myself breaks." Jonesy: "Definitely." Jude: "You still out of a job?" Jonesy: "Of course." Jude: "Cool." hops the counter. "Movies all afternoon, on me." Category:Season 1